Why couples fight

According to a study, here are the top three conflict triggers that upset, irritate, hurt, or anger partners. They are:. Other high-ranking contenders were inconsiderate partners, self-absorbed partners and moody partners. But what about the topics that we routinely avoid? While we sidestep thorny areas such as past partners and our past and present sex life, there is one topic we avoid altogether: The relationship itself. In a study, it was the number-one taboo topic for one out of every three people and among the top topics to avoid for seven out of ten people.

But never have we paid so little attention to something so important — when couples believed that conflict was a bad sign, they had worse relationships. When researchers from the University of Michigan and Penn State University followed more than 1, adults for more than a week, they found that while people felt better on the day they avoided an argument, the next day they had diminished psychological well-being and increased cortisol, which can lead to weight gain, mood swings, and trouble sleeping.

Short-term gain, long-term pain. When we avoid conflict, we miss the opportunity to help our relationship improve. Without arguments there is no progress. Studies have found that avoiding conversations now means making the relationship worse later.

A study found that when partners avoided important relationship topics, they had worse communication, were less happy, and were less dedicated to their relationship seven weeks later. Not only that, but when we avoid conflict we miss the opportunity to help our relationship improve. So most couples need to argue more, not less.

Blame addiction. We find the force of circumstance too threateningly random an explanation. Introverts blame themselves. Extroverts blame other people. This is why they often end up together. If you have a family, a large number of arguments are about the right way of bringing up the kids. Once upon a time it was clear — it was the mother. Or the father, depending on which era you choose.

Of course one can try quiet, rational negotiation between two adults leading to a sensible mutual outcome. Or one can ask a magic fairy to intervene. Either are equally likely. Interior design. Who earns most? If you earn five times what your partner does, should you split it evenly with them?

This approach is effective because it not only shows that you were listening, but that you understand what your partner was saying or where they were coming from. You're more likely to have a more productive dialogue instead of a full blowout argument when you just listen. The reality is that most of us recycle arguments and can almost exactly predict how our partner is going to respond, as if the discussion has been scripted.

If you want to fight better, change what you say—and how you say it. Batterson agrees, "It's a good thing for people to recognize their 'dialogue demons' so they can re-frame the argument, label it, and approach it differently. Instead of pointing the finger at the other person, they can ask themselves how they're contributing to the argument and try a new approach.

A lot of couples might keep it to themselves when they're mad at each other because they're scared of starting potentially relationship-threatening arguments. But a recent study found that avoiding these conversations is actually more likely to harm a relationship than help it. The survey asked people in committed relationships about how they handled conflict and how fulfilling and promising their partnerships were.

The results were striking: People who talked through conflicts were 10 times more likely to be happy with their relationships. As for the people who stayed silent, those who blamed their partners for the lack of communication were more likely to be unhappy. Another key tip for addressing relationship issues effectively? Put yourself in your partner's shoes by brainstorming reasons why a sensible person might behave the way they did.

It will help you better understand their actions. It's easy to let your emotions get the best of you, but try as hard as you can not to threaten to break up or get divorced. Regardless of whether you mean it, those words can leave a lasting impact on the person who hears them, and cause them to feel insecure in the relationship long after the fight is over. If a fight with your partner has ever made you feel physically, emotionally, or psychologically unsafe , that's a major red flag, according to the experts.

Couples fighting is healthy only as long as it stays fair and safe.